So today I'm supposed to have a meetup get together with some people for a cookbook/housewares swap. And right on target, my brain is scurrying around, trying to figure out a way to not go. Some of the excuses that are coming up are:
1) Need to keep an eye on Mr Data (he had an IBD flare up last night)
2) I can't go because I've gained some weight back. (Never mind it's probably been 2 lbs since they last saw me at the end of August)
3)There's too many people (I don't do well in crowds or at least that's what I've convinced myself of)
4)I need to clean
5)It's too cold
6)I'd have to wash my hair
7) I'm tired from last night worrying about Mr. Data
Now Mr Data seems to be doing fairly well this morning (I think it was the corn starch in something that triggered it). And I know that part of the reason I'm panicking is because I've gotten out of practice with socializing - my entire life for the last month and a half has been work. And worrying about work. And complaining about work. And I know it's taken on a life of its own because I haven't had much socializing to balance it out.
But the reality is too that this particular get together bothers me because there's not an activity to keep busy with in case the conversation lag or my brain just ceases to cooperate when I'm trying to make small talk. Other events has involved eating or concerts or baking. This one is just a cookbook/housewares swap. And it's in a small apartment. It's hard to do your own thing when there's people all around you.
Now on the other side, going would keep my mind off my idiot of an neighbor who has his cats locked out on the third floor balcony with temps in the 30's. But really that's been an ongoing battle since he moved it, involving the rental office and him ignoring them and the humane society who came out to investigate earlier in the year and believed him when he said they always had access to the apartment.Which they don't. But too much focusing on this and I'll really get into a funk.
The reality is I don't want to go. Period. All I'm going to be doing is picking up more stuff to replace the stuff that I'm giving away. And then I'll have more clutter messing up the house (at least that's my excuse for the house being a mess).
Only problem is the host of this event is one I've canceled on several times during the month of September, usually with no warning. And email communications have gone from saying I was missed at an event to saying "If you come."
If. I've gone from being expected to being surprised if I do show up.
Now that's sad.
And that's not who I want anyone including me to think of me.